What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
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