A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
You make my heart skip a beet.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
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