“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I like you a lily bit more every day.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
It’s party thyme.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
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