Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
I can heartly wait to see you.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
I Ecuador you.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Your beauty is blinding.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
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