If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
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