What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
Tis the sea-sun.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
I only have ice for you.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Don’t be elfish.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Your love will always be up to par.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
The sun is just a big space heater.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
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