Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
I less than three you.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Nothing really mattress.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
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