The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
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