I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
Are you a human? Just making sure.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
I love you berry much.
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