Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
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