“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
I’m feelin’ pine.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
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