What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
Some bunny loves you.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
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