What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
It’s worth a shot.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
I beacha miss summer already!
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
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