I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Go to BabaMail
