Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.

Is this room hot or it’s just you?

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?

How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.

My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.

Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato

You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.

This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”

Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.

Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"

How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.

“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai

How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.

My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.

“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander

Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.

I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?

“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato

"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods

What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.

What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.

In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.

What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.

There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.

Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.

“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty