Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
"It's not me, it's you!"
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
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