What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
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