You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.

If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.

When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"

What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.

How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.

hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.

If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.

What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."

I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.

A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.

Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo

I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.

When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.

What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner

What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.

Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.

Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.

Are you a red light because stop.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.

“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”

Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman

What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!

"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe

What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus

What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!

What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.

Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!

What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.

I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.

Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!

Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

When are you due back in heaven?

What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.

Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.

“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”

Summer is just floating by.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.