What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
I have the final sleigh.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
There’s snow one like you.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
You’re my lucky charm.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Can I be Candide with you?
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
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