Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
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