Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Life is better when we stick together.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
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