Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
You're my purr-son.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
"Here for the right riesling."
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Go to BabaMail
