"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
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