It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
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