Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
"Happy eggster."
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
What do crows read? Cawmics.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
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