My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
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