What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Birch, please.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
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