What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
He’s an elf-made man.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
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