“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
Go to BabaMail
