I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
I think you're barbe-cute.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Ants in your plants.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Want to go for a ride?
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
You're a good egg.
I cannoli be happy
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