"I make pour decisions."
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
Football is one habit I will never kick
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
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