Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
“Monday should be optional.”
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
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