“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
We should make like your parents and split.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I am a mean green machine.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
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