Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
You're my missing ingredient.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
I think you're barbe-cute.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
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