“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Reading is a novel idea.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
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