I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
He threw three free throws.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
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