Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
For instant fun, just add water.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
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