A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
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