Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
"Aloe you vera much."
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
We were mermaid for each other.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
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