What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
I think we'd make a cute pear.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
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