What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
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