According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
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