Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Reading is a novel idea.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
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