"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Love at frost sight!
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
"Time wounds all heels."
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
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