Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
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