What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Keep calm and carrot on.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
I'm fondue you, it's true
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
I’ll always be running-back to you.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
"You crack me up."
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
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