Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
It’s snow joke.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
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