I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
You can stand under my umbrella.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Seas the day.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
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