What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Nice asteroids.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
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