“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
All you need is MY love
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Whale, hello there.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
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