The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
"No body won the skeleton race."
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
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