I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Your name is insert name here?
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
That’s a-may-zing!
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
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