Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Come witch me to the party.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
You are the square to my root.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
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