Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
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