What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
It’s a winterful day!
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
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