Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
You raise the bar.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
Distill my beating heart.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
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